Sunday / The sweetest of Autumn / days - a day for the / near perfect happiness - if - if if. / Only a mad hunger has possessed me / all morning till I| could have cried / with it - I could be so divinely happy / Friday, could rise to any height of / splendid life to-day - if. / I got up early - very sadly, so / restless in my bed - & took a / book into the garden, to grow at / peace with myself. - the ? / that has not come yet - for alas / I am well now - well & strong - / and isnt it a shame to have / to say alas! I am well. - oh / this teases you - I will write / no more to-day. / Monday. / a letter from you that was full of headache, / and they are so violent and hurt you / so much. / I drew at Chaucer yesterday - and had / a still morning - Morris being away - / indeed I think everyone is away. / and that suits me - to be alone & / not to have to talk is rest - & when / they talk I am only half with them / - some mechanical me is wound up to / answer, decently, but my soul / is far away. - wandering - isnt it / a pity not yet to have learned how / to live - I walked yesterday to / t? to get dinner, & took myself / to task - but then I have done / that so often before, & all to no / avail. from the moment of / waking till I fall asleep it is one / continued sole thought - & I cant help / - it. at least in sleep I have rest - for I never dream of it. I wish I did, / but nature pays me out there. - / and if I could set myself, as I ought / now, furiously to work, it would / be the only chance I can desire for / a more resolute life - / meantime I miss your ? most / dreadfully the hundred things I want / to say - & ask you - I want to ask / you about everything - want your advice, / your help, your sympathy over / so much that ? ? the day, & that I cannot put into letters. / Your letters have seemed far away / from me too, for you are so busy / and hurried hither & thither - & that must be often - and I / like it so - for I ought to be the / last you think of - that is our / bargain that I come at the end / of all your duties - & I want it like / that. that is this better me / wants it to be like that - only / that is a worser me. & so much of / him. / Yes, that is all love about Margaret. / it is a ? life, as I see life & / reason & feel about it - & is the / only one I can see anywhere - it / has been none of my helping or / smothering - but all has come of / herself & her peaceful holy / ways - it has been none of my / helping even - it has come, but / is none of me - whose life / has been so worthless to think of /so messed & spoiled and / frozen there I hate to lie & / remember it - that is why I clutch / at you so desperately - & always will / a kind of terror that you will let go / one day. I dont think it but / fear it instinctively, could reason / the far out of me then times a / day, but it would come back / at the eleventh time / so really I dont partake of that / Margaret life - only look at it - / & wonder. / I will ask Georgie if she will go / with me to Beaumont then - / but iof she says yeas I must think / what to do. of course you / cant be alone - it was silly / & selfish of me to write that - / dont add that to other plannings - let it happen as it may - I will / spend the mornings drawing for / you - for I want that - I want / that very very seriously. I / have spoiled the other, touching it / ? for you & altering the ear. / Anyhow I will ask Georgie / - it is kind - & I know she would / like to be asked - it hurts her / to have it taken for granted as / it mostly is that our lives are / so separate - they are, but / people should pretend they dont / know - you are perfect to / her always / I am so sorry you have not been able / to enjoy your old playmates' company - / and to-day does Mrs. Earl to to / you - bless her - must grudge / my lending you the Cassone - will / she - give her my love - I am / very fond of her & love to see / her more than she thinks. / There comes my Engraver & I / must send this rather doleful / rigmarole. I am not unhappy / I am happy but I am pining & hungry / & I dare say you can forgive / that - always always yours / E