Nov 1893 Wednesday / Yes, you may look across the table always / & say "its mine" every bit is yours, / every bit - but I was little fit to go / out yesterday - to-day I shall stay in altogether / - tomorrow I may be better - I wonder how / soon I might go to you - I neednt leave / you till 7 1/2 or 20 minutes to 8 - / I wonder how soon I might go to you - / dont go out for a few days, the change to the sea / would do us both good - Oh, would it / do me good I wonder, a change like ' that one can say the final result is / nothing but good / I knew you would write to me last night / - felt certain of it - you looked / so beautiful, though you looked frail / & ill - I watched you from the sofa, / & you looked like all the Queens of / the world - & black velvet suits you / finely - so did the silver buckle / across your breast - & the white / things / all looked right - & as I talked to Olive / I turned ? & then and thought you perfect / in beauty - I didnt say "its mine" / I dont feel it is, somehow - anymore / than the moon is mine, when I look at / her & night is perfect - yet I am / nearer than that. / I dont think I shall be teased this / afternoon - I shall never tell - you / may be sure of that - it wouldnt be / fair, either to you or me. She has / no right in the matter at all - nor / do I so much matter to her as that. it is a full life for her, many friends - / - I doubt if she would be content with / one sole desire fulfilled - would / want to add Kingdom to Kingdom - / I cannot share - & am made to / be jealous - if I was necessary to / her she had a splendid chance, only / her own hands destroyed that chance - / not I - & now all that is of the past / dead - dead. but if I give now / & ask nothing back, heaven might surely / let me have my dream, & let me die / some day, still dreaming it - / meantime your loving heart is full of / mercy to one - last night you looked / across to me, with eyes full of tender / solicitude, to see how I was faring - / & the first moment you could you / took me to your side, & let me / stay - in all life I have found / no one so merciful & gracious & select / as you. I mustn't be exacting - / you must scold me if I am ever / that / its never easy to dine when you are by. / the old instinct to look at no one / else, hear no one else is in me. / all else are like shadows. I was / to say "hush," she is speaking - I must / listen to her" & to behave / politely is a bit of an effort. / Sir Philip is gentle, and a fine gentleman / and looks very god, & sympathetic - I / dont think I should ever care for the host - / he has such an unmeaning face & expression / - ah, never tell, what I tell you. / You mustnt tell about the button any / more, it might hurt so if it got / round to her - it would ? to get / round if it ever reached her - but it / would vex her sorely - shall I draw / for you where I think that button / Came - shall I? very well I will / but I must destroy the drawing afterwards / how nice of you to say you looked / across the table & said "its mine" / yes, it is yours - only yours - not a bit / left for anybody else - and I did / say so once before - & see now that / to tell you a thing once is to fix / it deep down into your mind - / I certainly said it once to you. / are you good Friday, nursing self & / stopping in & avoiding chill - you / 2 / see how you have hurt me by being / reckless on Saturday last - spoilt my / week for me & really hurt me, - / thats because you got a chill and / so I had to suffer - it will always / be like that - I shall suffer whenever / there is anything the matter with / you - either illness or unhappiness. / I shall have to pay for it. / I'll finish my letter when / my interview & visit are over - / wish they were over - it is little joy / to me, & might easily have been a / real pleasure. / do you want a Kelmscott / book of sonnets? shall I get you / one - they are a little difficult / to get but if you will let me give / you one I will do it at once - / only to buy I think they are a / little costly after the final / issue. / would it be a long unloved time / if I went? not unloved - many / would love you - no lack of that / for you - but nobody perhaps ever / again so much as I do, well, I'll / take care - I'll try not to go. / what a silly day to-day is - what / does it go on for? pretending to be / like other days when it isnt - / nasty silly empty day - they / shouldn't be, ? day - / everyday I ought to look at / you once - take courage and go / on my way. / Is it my fault I "didnt begin" / earlier - those are your ands - / what sadness would have been saved, / & what happiness won - was it / my fault - I always knew where / in the room you were, wasnt that / true? always - & you might / have seen that, only you didnt care / a bit whether I did or not. - / never wanted me - could have / had me long long ago if / you had wanted. / the afternoon visit passed - all bright & cheerful, no sadness, / nor curiousness - & Georgie / came in midway, & so it / ended. / If she goes to you tomorrow to call !!! / tell me when I shall go to you - / what hour - either by letter or / telewag. / & now goodbye - did you miss / your morning letters - I missed / writing them - can't bear not / to wake you in the morning. & / it disappoints me more than it / does yet. / Goodbye. but I said that before.