1893 / I am ever glad you are going away - & you / will never know what that means - yes / you will & do - but the time may be / next to you & I shall pray hard that it / may - Olive frightened me - not by / anything new that she said, but by giving / speech to thoughts I try to drown when / they rise - that life is too hard for you / and that you do not even take the rest / you could - & she said "she won't live" / she would never have said those words / if she could have guessed what is in my / heart - / & I, even I have helped to tease & worry / you often - oh I never never will again / I will live even now a new life, & / gratefully, humbly, reverently taking all / you give me, I will live only to help / you, - I am frightened - so frightened / for you that I could easily fall to want / my end hurried - that I may not live / to see such impeachable misery as / the loss of you would be. - I mustn't see / it, I know I should go mad & I / dread that. What words to write / to you - forgive them - you can easily / forgive for you know why & how I / suffer. / Suffer & yet am happier than I have ever / been - I wouldnt have a past day to come / back, not one in all my life - I love / NOW and am terrified at losing NOW. / What a pretty dream you had - saying / a mass for the peace of my soul while / I am alive - it is quite beautiful - & so / like a dream to house that grotesque / accompaniment of Sidney & Co. I never / dream of you - you fill the day & nature / will have no more in sleep / dear one, your health will give the / peace to my soul you pray for - try / to nourish & get that & all will be / well with me. / I got home in good time & tried to be nice / to everyone all evening, & slept and / dreamed a strange dream - and to-day / I an hard at work - & you are everywhere / round me / I shall never know again a dreadful life of / being without you - and all round me / and through me your influence will / cheer & strengthen and inspire all I do / henceforth. / this week I shall not go out at night at / all, for my throat hurts me, and I shall / try & get rude & strong for you when / you come back - on Friday is that / bore of a dinner which I shall hate - / I hate a lot of men eating, wonder if I / can get out of it. / Amy's umbrella is here - I forget amongst / the thousand things to remember to send it / off to-day - shall I send it to Liphook or / to Marble Arch? tell me / Yes I am glad you are away - the mere is / perhaps a real mere, and sweet to look at. / with rushes on the bank - & the tree / branches will comfort & refresh you. / You will come back, bright eyed and so young / and ready for us all. isnt it funny / that I grow more & more full of awe towards / you - familiarity has bred such reverence. / I wish I was better - better in a hundred / ways, in work, in life, in spirit, to be / more fit for the loving friendship you / have given me. / Phil goes away to day & I shall miss him / for he is the brightest of the house - it will / be very quiet this week - I think I shall / go & see Mrs. Earle, to talk about you - / very very very carefully. O my word has / Carefully - but I long. if I cant see / you to hear your name said. As for / Olive I just love her - she says everything / about you that is sweet to hear - & she / promises me to take great care of you / this winter - to tease you even till you / take care of yourself, for all our sakes. / O for my sake, my poor little sake, you / will? Are you clever at imagining? / try & imagine my wretched days without / you in the world. poor dog, poor / hound of the gutter. / And now goodbye - only write when you / can very easily, without fatigue - had / anyone ever such a servant as I am / to you? - Goodbye. I wish the tone of / this letter was messier, but I am very / happy down deep in my quiet heart - / e / 1893 2 / little letter & enclosures just come / Yes, Yes, you perfect one, we will - / we shall have please God many a / time together yet - and how I should / hate to hurt & yet I must be true / - but I would sooner she should see by / time, with all its gentleness than / by one violent moment - I knew / if I am driven I shall have to say / - I mustn't be driven if it can be / helped. I cannot humbug a bit of it. - / it is all too serious with me - it is clear by now that it was no / sudden passion of pity & sympathy / - that you see by now - it is my / deepest me that is involved, & / nothing could come of deception, / which I could never manage / I have no fear of the evening, you / help so, are so bright and / full of infinite tact - we will / make her happy - if she asks the / question I dread I must try & evade / it unless you bid me tell the truth. / its a pretty letter, war & loving / and we will be careful not to hurt. / but she knows I am sure - it cannot / be helped - it isnt you that has / done it, nor had the least share in it. / no by heaven, not the least - it was / furthest from your thoughts - my / mind was ? & free before ever / I told you - else I should never / have been moved by you - I have / never been untrue - never - never - / nor once lied about love - nor will I / ever - / You are right - that is what we will / do - & we will have our dear / evening a little later - we will / take all the chances that there are. / how brave you are about your life - / O what you seem to me - & I so / little & low down, & looking up so / high. wondering, worshipping, / fearful - what is to become of us / ? for keep growing higher in my / imagination & I dwindle more & more - I shall soon be out of / sight, & you will soon fill all / the sky. / so I will keep Wednesday 22nd saved & / free - yours, & only yours & for always / you know - for ever & ever & ever. / e