1893 Tuesday / A long night of Evil / dreams & much waking - / because I couldn't get out / to walk and feel the air I suppose - / difficult to know what to do - but a / cold is worse than many evil nights / & I shall stay in again to-day - for it / is a deep fog, the first of them, and / raw with wet cold - and I am in / ? to think you are away, & in clear air and unteased, and / all things done for you that thought / can devise. / how nice it must be to be loved as / you are. There were Olive & I, on / Sunday afternoon, building up a / verbal monument to you, sky high, / saying all the prettiest things we could / devise, & you are so used to it that / I doubt if your ears once tingled - what / things we said, - how she loves you, & / fondles you in that soothing voice of hers. / ? ? I said she sent me out of the / house in a mood of fear & half despair. but when I set eyes on / you, your face was calm & untroubled / and so young - well I was repaid / for that visit to you. / I wrote many letters last night, the / Secretary & I - one to Violet Maxse / in Paris - how angry she will be to get / a dictated letter - but indeed I am / glad sometimes of any rest to my eyes / and I wrote to Fontaine Bleau to / Mrs. Cust - & I wrote to Franses, a / short letter this time - & I have a / sort of feeling that I wrote to you / yesterday - yes I think I must have / done. / When the first year of our friendship / ends how many letters do you think you / will have had from me - three hundred / and sixty five? or was it Leap year. / how could I find anything to say? so / easy it is to write to you, easy to / talk to you - such rest - never was / such rest yet as the peace you / give. I thought long, Oh long in / the night, of it all & wondered. / I suddenly remembered how you were / anxious on Saty. aftn. in our walk / through the park, in the very thick / of all your hateful misery, anxious / that I should get no harm or be / cold - and that kind of care, of / which you show me so much, is all / new to me - no one has yet shown / it as you do, or minded so carefully / or guarded me as you do, from cold / from fatigue - isnt it strange - but / it is true - all that is a new ex- / -perience, & no wonder I find it / sweet. how many an illness you / would have saved me from - / well, some mighty Fortune has / been yours surely, to be loved as I / dont think any one else is loved, / ? so many - so dearly loved & / treasured. doesnt it make you a / little happy to think of - how / much you have & how great your /hold is on the hearts of those / who know you - to know you is / new glorious life to one whom I know / now I'll get me to work - by lamp / light - but something I can do. / 2 / Tuesday evening is much to give / up - much for me to give up - but / it is lovely of you to have thought / of it, & it shall be done no / slight shall ever be put upon her / by me, never, never, but indeed / love was hurt to death last year / and dead love is so dead - all / things can be quickened sooner than / that, for its fall is as deep as / its height - & you will give me / another evening I know when you / can, to make up - how happy we / will be - dont you see how happy / it makes me to be with you - all / the toil & fatigue & chagrin / of years roll off me, & I was / born an hour ago when I am / with you. / You say I do good to you - how / kind to say it, & it must be / a little / true else the most truthful lips on / earth wouldnt say it - but how / little it must be compared with / what you do for me - the good you / do me, the love of life & of my / kind that you fill me with, the / best things that you draw forth, / - I know & feel I am changing, / softening, deepening, widening, - the longing to be prised & loved / by you fills all my hours, & it / must at last better me - I so / long for your approval, to be / thought well of by you - it is / the one prise I want, & the / one reward. / And you are resting now, thats / nice to think of - for the last / days have been torture to / the gentlest woman that lives - / Oh how can heaven let it be, watch / it & let it go on - to see your / face as it was on Saturday is / acute agony to those who love / you - I am one of them - & it / will last in my memory many / a day, till many many happier / memories have chased it / away. / clumsy I was, and jarred you - / yes I was so clumsy - but you / know about women I am very / stupid - I think they are much / nicer forms of me, & they / aren't like that, are they? / I thought if I told you how I / loved you it would be nice / to hear, which was horrid of me / & very silly - I should have said / "dont mind - harden your heart - / be the Queen you are and show / scorn for insult, you must win / make a scene like that impossible / or unlikely to come again - / but I was surprised & staggered / - stupid I was. / So in the night that souvenir / was more de? than ever / & I must tell you they will / not long survive the wear / & tear of such sentiment / & I have sent the drawing of / your papa to be framed - only / I must work on it again & finish it / next time he comes up to town / - meantime you shall have it when / Severant returns it to me - Goodbye / Oh me! why did I say "Oh me" its always good bye - / 3 / a dreadful day -even if / you were in London I could hardly / see you for my throat, a very / peccant spot, troubles me much / and for you to come here would / make me very anxious - I cant / help it, I am anxious about you - / about your everyday health, and / for a time at least it has / stopped my selfishness towards / you - it wasn't my early promise / the promise of the beginning of the / year - I have kept it ill - / but forgive me, I have loved so - / do love so overmuch. if God / would only hear my prayers for you - / I do not enter into them ever - / I never pray for anything for myself / yet to pray for your strength / is to pray for myself - what / should I be without you - O my God / what should I do - think, this / doleful day if there was no you. / black desolate world it would be / & my trembling faith in ever / seeing you again is a faith I / feel strongest when I am Happy - / it might fail me then - / life is terrible - I am made / like this & cannot help it - / all my strength now comes from / you - only live and I promise / to work, to be peaceful, to / let you alone, to be only a / help & resource to you - / to take all you give me with / a most glad grateful heart - / I promise to be happy with it - / content with it - only live - & / never be irritated if I am over / watchful for you - when I think / as I do often, often, mostly in / the long dark nights, so wakeful / because of you, when I think / what it would be to lose you / I have, I do assure you before / God, a terror you would pity - / if I should die before you / be glad - be glad that I am / spared a misery as profound / as man ever had since his / troubled life began on earth. / be glad & dance this day / that merciful God has come / to my rescue - May, May. / have you taken care of the / envelope I gave you - is it / burnt? if you havent read / it - & there is no need at / all - burn it - dont dream / of answering it - I gave it to you / from my excuse, not to get one / from you - there is no need / of that you know now - & see - / Lord God, I was cruel to you - / my cursed self came in - it / shall never be again - it was / a very very little incident that / mattered not one bit - I see / all now with wider eyes, & / love you with a larger heart / dont speak of it - only burn it / soon - out of sight - & if you / get well Oh I will be so good