Feb 1893 Thursday night 1 / I have come back & found / your letter, & shall keep it / - I shall never be destroyed / I will write long about it by & bye - / So I was not to see you to-day - it was / otherwise ordered - I could have contrived / it but thought it better not - Kinder not. / after the business at the National Gallery / was over we went at her ? to see / Mr. Harry Cust at his office - me long before / I saw there was no choice of going to you / - she had promised to go to Amy who is ill / & that was a fair reason & there we / stayed till nearly 7 - & then back home / to her home I mean - & I stayed till 10. / & am just back - I would have given / O so much just to see you - but I know / it would have hurt - you & I will hurt / no one in this world ever - but I say / the object of my desire - a photograph / of you - & that is the one I want - / yes that is the one I want - & I will / give any possession I have for it - I / couldnt ask for it somehow, though it / would not have been withheld - I want / that one - do get one for me like it / it is in Frances' drawing room - it is / lovely - I want it - I want it now / I would give any thing for it, any thing I / have - it cant be the only one - if / it is I shall ask outright for it - / I do dreadfully want it - the people / who did must have the negative / & can print more.- I dont believe / anyone ever wanted anything so much / I ? it good - it had a look I love - / one of the thousand looks - the glorious / look of all I have never seen, & / shall never see - ? I'm humble / you see. / Things will be easier after to-day - / easier in my mind / & we'll begin a life of regeneration - / a new spring time, full of hope, together - / we'll help each other with all our might / & main, & hold tight to the best, & drag / some glean of paradise into this life - / & now good night, I am well lived / & working tomorrow will be sweet - but / not so sweet the workings afterwards / till my friend comes back - dont tarry / & yet the change may be good for you / - & if it is stay on & on - for indeed I / think only of you & what is best for you / - I am very tired, I think it will be deep / sleep - / Friday Morning - some time / it is silly to feel you are going on a long / journey, and that London is going be emptied / but so it is. I shall have a tiresome / afternoon over some disreputable business - / disagreeable because all business is dis- / agreeable - & I put it off till you should / be gone away because there is always the / chance of some pretty plan if you are here. / and the evening a dear little fellow / named Chelminski comes to spend the / evening - he is a painter & is very poor / & unlucky & enthusiastic & I'm fond of / him. / of course he is a Pole - are they all / artists? - I get on at once, in a minute / with a Pole - as I did in 5 minutes / with Paderewski, so that we were old / warm friends in just five minutes - / Chelminski is very angry in his / heart always about his country - he is / always wanting to "bleed" for her - / his eyes flash as he tells the wrongs / She has endured & is enduring - / I know it was pretty bad, & I suppose / he speaks true & it is bad now. / 2 / - there seems to come over his spirit / an appeased & tranquillized look / as he plans a new picture / - it is always a Russian / disaster - rout of Russians at here, & / defeat of Russians at there - nobody / will ever buy them, his rooms are hung / with them to the top - all alike, roads / deep in snow (I hate show pictures) / dead Russians in foreground - horses / dead, a miserable sun going down / on a wretched day - they are very / well painted - he knows all the / uniforms of Russians for fifty years back / & all ? horses & trappings, so the / scene looks real - I'm afraid I can't / bear to look at them. but I do - and he / lives a life quite alone here, knowing / no one & wanting not to know - in / poverty that I an afraid is extreme / & he wont be helped - not when he / is starving, I'm sure, - he wont let me / help with a penny - it is a very / harmless vengeance on this country's / tyrants isnt it? / Well, somehow there are few men in / the world I would like to be with so much / and I like to be with this 'angry / patriot. I wonder if all this bores / you - but there is an easy way to deal / with a fatiguing letter - if only we could / do the same with a living bore & put / him in the waste paper basket the / moment he begins. I shall learn / in time what you like & what you / hate, & in those days you shall have / only what you like. for I warn you / that every least wish of yours is going to / be fulfilled by me if it is in my power / & now I'll sleep again. / - / all these next days are not going to / be days at all - biding time only - / the letter about the lost flower is / a heavenly possession(?) - & yet if I / wish that letter's history how differently / it would be told - I cant see when / the flower was overgrown or hidden - / itsw perfume clear enough & its form / when you looked & heavenly colour - I / never saw any flower like it, or shall / ever again - & I could lie down & cry / my heart to bits to think of it - & / yet I seldom cry in my life - but / I am molten up in a fire that / pity kindled. / I'll never cease one day in my life from / the sweet labour of building round you / a fence against the world, if indeed / you think I can build it - & no life / could be more dedicated than / mine that I shall consecrate to you / nor shall it be too solemn or too / depressing - all the merry making I / can desire / shall be yours - and all the best - the / most holy and the highest - so may God / help me is the best adventure I ever / ? myself to. / Silly to be so sad at your going - / I'm a baby - & where, I pray, is the / great life of the world, if I feel this / ? is emptied suddenly. for / ? of them - I want to be so nasty - / & divine love shall not narrow but / widen my heart. / I am very tired to-day for the ? / has over long in duration for me & I am / ashamed to seem tired to complain - dont / you know - but otherwise I still mend / I do so want the photograph - the same that / Frances has - I hate to tease you, but I / would give all I have for it / only write when it is very easy - though you can guess / what it will be for me when a little letter / comes - & so God cover you with blessings - I'll / work hard these days - can't quite read the / address but I'll copy you ?. always always / always always bj / Friday 3. / Stupid of me not to read the address rightly / it is quite clear now - but I was fidgety / that a letter might miscaqrry. / & your letter (bless every word / of it) is a phylactery for me for ever - I / shall never cease to strive now, and my / ? for life is greater than it has ever been - make me a bag to put it in, & / a string to the bag that wont break. / it is a fantasy & let me have my way. / Life will not be so hard henceforth. / hard enough always, but that's the plan / it seems, & wewont rebel. / I want to fill your little country house / the bonny one - not the pompous one - / with sketches & things I do - bit by / bit - tyhat will be such a kindness to / me if I may - for I hater selling my / work - its like selling my soul - & it bothers always & often disgusta - you / laughed when I showed you nasty little / homes whose I wanted to like, & give up this place to Phil - but it was quite / true. I should like to go down & down / in that way - & probably shall. but it / will be a ? thing for me if you will / have some of my way to put in the ? / of that bonny home - it shan't be costly / ? I promise, for that might embarrass / you - from time to time it shall be. / You are starting now - & it is a deep / fog - I am glad you will escape it & be in / sweet air - does Amy go with you. / if you come back on Tuesday as you said shall / you come & see me on Wednesday afternoon / before your music? but if you come / back on Monday could I run in & see / you for a minute on Tuesday? / You will tell me. of course its foggy - / I know why - it will be pitch black tomorrow / & its quite right - small blame to it. / There is influenza all about, take great / care - & go to bed at once if it begins - it / be very mild this time. Goodbye.