1893 Friday evening / now Chelminski must smoke / & amuse himself for a bit / I have talked long enough to / him & want to talk to you / - and I must imagine your answers - and / that isnt easy. did I tell you Frances took / me to the Pall Mall office, where was the / editor - I cant believe he was really doing anything / but you mustn't say I thought that. he's a / nice bright thing & makes me merry always, / but to think of him influencing thought makes / one smile a little - & yes, why not he / as well as another - its a horrid life the press life but / there seems no help of it. the wonder / is it is no worse done - what planning & / method & skill & readiness to send out / every day a readable journal - what promptness / and energy - but at the end if it so little / true that is ever said, and so little / matters even of the little that is true - / and of the unfairness, malignity, baseness / of spirit, depreciation of the moral currency / who can measure it, in one years existence / of these worthless things - but there he was / bright, merry witty & good-natured - then / I wanted to go to the Athenaeum to send / you a message & finding that dull Sir Alfred / Lyall I sent him out to talk to Frances / but was caught there & couldnt write like / I wanted: & I felt heavy hearted that / I should not see you - for it was so clear / that could have been difficult - & very / tell-taley if I had sought for it - so I / let be. but I talked of you a little, very / carefully. / now it is in bed, me & the letter - & night / is no more solitary, but busy with thought. / I have thought to-day how I followed you in that / journey to Rome, & wondered if anyone kept you warm / & nourished you - funny that I thought of it so / much - & i wished I could fetch you back & see / to you - all in good faith & simplicity of heart / - but I ought to have watched myself, for those / were perilous thoughts - still they were so / harmless, & meant the beginnings of a loving friendship / & I was more glad than I dared say when you / did not go to Ireland. & when pity rained / on that fertile soil what a crop was like to / spring forth - / An eventless, uncomfortable day is ending - / in which your telegram was the one simlisten thing. / I looked out your train, but Bradshaw (the / one genuine Anglo-Saxon work of literature) / is maddening - & it seemed as if you were / going on a five hours journey - so far that is - / I must get a gazetteer of England - for you go / about so much that I must follow you by / book - it is as if a cloud had rapt you / out of sight. / nevermind I have my letter - my diploma - / Sure Peter will let me into Heaven if I / show it to him at the gate. - I'll show / you a diploma Margaret wrote to me the / day before she was married, a dear one that / I love - but I shall show yours to the / doorwarden, & he will let me in - and / I shall loiter about the gate till you come / and then I shall try & sit next to you. / Goodnight - an unprofitable day has / ended & I couldnt go out for my throat ails / being out too long yesterday - / you will sleep / after the journey, & if it is clear & sunny the / change will help you - I am so glad you are / in the country - yes I am indeed. Good Night. / 3'o'clock. / That because you have gone away I know - / ? so unhealthy to sleep in a vast / emptied city - all manner of miasmers / & malarious vapours steam up & / ? & hang over depopulated places - / wasn't |I stricken down once in / the most romantic city in the world / - Ravenna - with a fever that / comes back even to this day though / it is very many years ago - because / the ancient ghosts of the place / came out & sighed upon me / in sleep & when I woke it was / 2 / a madcap land & delirious tangle / of bewilderment for a long time - & of course / sleep has fled. / but I have been lying & thinking & reckoning / up her goodness, & wondering at it. / her goodness to me, patience toward / me, tender care for me - yes & all / that in the middle of her own unhappiness / her own sharp warmings of heart, her chagrins / & worries - & such gentle pity and / kindness & brightness through it all / as is heartrending to me - / there is a little high pitched desolate / laugh with which she winds up & / ends a sentence that is the most / heartbreaking note I ever heard in / my life, & it pierces me like a / knife when I hear it - how good / she is, thoughtful for everyone - / & so made for bright gay happiness - / - well, many of us were made for th?- / if it had been made for us. / and she nursed me through a bad fever. / & brought me through it - for indeed sometimes / I did feel quite ill - & she made all / so gentle for me - I think if she had / mocked the least bit or played at all / with me things might have gone very hard / for me - & I surprised & bothered her I / know & added another care to her full / life. & there were days & nights when / it seemed so much better never to wake / again. She brought me through all that / and always she told the truth to me / - I could see that - I should have / known in a moment I feel sure - she / was truth itself to me. - and I have / seen goodness, yes often - not often in / men but in women often, but mostly / simple uncomplicated lives - / undistracted by any imaginative longings / for anything out of their straight paved / paths - & she is a thorny path / stumbling with little bleeding feet - made / ink - for what mortal could live long / at this strained height. & though these / are piercing & over keen times / & the air too high & thin to live / in long, yet I dread the fall. / Will you help me then? if it / looms I shall tell you of it for I / shall tell you everything. - Some / reaction there must be for all / the nerves of me are quite tired / out - I could half wish they could take / mw now - since I shall never be so fit again - I should be nice for / them now - / no, I can't leave you - as long as I / can live - to be a good & / faithful servant to you for many / a day yet - now I'm / tired in eyes & will / put out lights & think & think / of you / for life, for the gay innocent life of the / world is nearer to perfection than anything / I have ever seen - yes, in all my days, / myriads as they are now - / its nonsense about little crushed flowers / & fine soul passing by - its the fine / soul that will learn, will stop by the / flower & drink dew of heaven out of / its petals - & never go on its way / again but lie near her & worship her - / & if I can help you, you can help / me a hundredfold more. / But all these days I am exalted I / know, & beyond myself - better / than myself - better than I can / remain - at the Upmost height of my / life - divine love makes this time for / me & I am so tall I have my face / half in heaven - there will / come heavy times, clay times, / ?-times perhaps, & I shall / Saturday: 3. / Its 3 weeks to-day since / I shivered in your warm / room & got cold - and t-day / I am to walk out a little for it is not so / damp. & January the evil month, the / mother of misfortune is over, & the days / are longer - perhaps the worst is over for / both of us, nothing happens to-day / it will be all quiet & quiet evening / & tomorrow Morris in the morning, only they / have the Influenza & he may not come. / and in the afternoon people - in / the eveg. Phil has invited some of his / friends & Georgie has invited her sister / & brother-in-law, whose chief distinction / is that he once spoke to you - & perhaps / on Monday morning, but I mustn't hope / too much, these may be a little better and / from you - at least the new week / will have begun when you are / coming back. / I greatly want to talk to you about a / little matter, - it could be a Wednesday / if you come here. before your singing time / & it wont take long - nay two little matters / & neither of them do I quite like to write / about. / Amy Mackenzie looks very thin & worn / but in her face not ill - I went up / into her room where she is lying in bed / - a pale thin sad little sight - / & there came up by and bye Mary Drew / unchanged in the least from that / first time when I knew her - I / had not seen her for three or four / years - since one aftn. when I called / & she was on the vigil of her / first baby, & people were frightened / for her, & she herself I think was / - I am sure I should be if I was / going to have a baby, but I have / been assured by the faculty that is / most improbable. / Well I could go on writing / pretty much for ever - but I have / "resolved" that I wont eat into / the morning - what I can write / in the night, or in the evenings if I / can get a moment to myself should / all be for you - but in the day / I'll work - else you will despise / me - & then the last state of this / man will be ? than the / first - & this is an unusually / long letter because the night / was sleepless somehow - do / you remember when you / innocently / asked me why I didnt sleep - & / I'm not sure but I think you know / quite well. - Oh you have been / true & good about it all - & I / know you now through & through. / Always your bj.