1892 1 / I have just posted to / you - but this is your / morning letter. / Presently we'll fix a time for / a sketch of Amy - and you will / bring her & stay with her all / the time, to make it not / dull for her, & watch it & / see that I make it a little / like. I dont easily get / portraiture - the perpetual / hunt to find in a face what / I like & leave out what / mislikes me is a bad school / for portraiture - but there / is such sweetness in her / face / that I should like to draw / her - & you should say every / half hour if I am getting it / better or worse. / Your letter came - that was nice / of Aggie - generous & nice of / her & like her. I hope Frances / will be as generous - oh she / will - that is her great point. / and I'll talk little and / be very guarded. I won't / say where I am going tomorrow / evening unless you tell me / to, by wire or letter. / & perhaps she wont be able to / come tomorrow aft. Would you, if she comes, / like to come at the same time? - / I should or shall we have your visit any / day when I am not going to you? / but whenever you have a mind / to come you will know, wont you. / if I am painting I will go on / with my work - if I am working / from a model you shall come / in just the same. of all / living you have the right / now to come into that room. / & tell me more things by which / to earn your "eternal gratitude" / such a big gratitude that / sounds for so little a thing. / & in the summer when people are / ? a painted dream of you - / may I? in the rose garden / bounded by hills, & a giant in / the hills to keep all men / away at peril of their lives / to dare to come near that / garden. - if the giant would / spoil the picture we'll pretend / he's there & not paint him. / a garden like this would be nice / [ink drawing of a woman tightly enclosed by a picket fence] / so safe - / a sweet / apple green / sky - stern / hills and / a garden like / a tub. / breakfast time / Yes if "You poor fool, he quiet - & / here is her letter - / I'm glad I made her laugh, I wish I / could have heard it - / and so you once went to the aquarium? / at least there I saw your friend of the / da Vinci back - but I didnt like to / tell you - for once in a room (it was / at Alma Tadema's) I told the story / of the last supper on the fat back, / and of the crucifixion of Abert Durer - / only this last was on a mans back / and there was an old lady there, stone / deaf, but suddenly hearing was given / to her & she heard every word I / had said - & hated me & thought me / profane & wicked beyond all redemption / & even after my name was said / before her, however deaf she had been / she heard it - and said her / vengeful say - so I was timid / about / telling you that for I dont want you to / think me profane & hate me for it - / it must have been the same lady / whose highly cultivated back we / both saw - she was dressed in maroon / velvet which began just below the / picture, very discreetly & as I / thought necessarily, & ended where it / was safe to begin again, at the top / of colossal legs - & then art had its / fling again & rattled away all down / her - her husband (?) spoke for / her, she looked very cross - she only / cost sixpence, but cost me nearly my / life in trying not to have hysterics / of laughter - at something the man / said in his "lecture" she muttered / "we tell enough lies without your / saying that" & I saw there was a / drama going on, & difficulties / below the surface of the picture. / & I remember faces on her back that / once must have been like this / [pencil head of a younger woman] were like this [pencil head of a fatter woman] / from the expansion of the - canvas shall / I call it - I told the tale to Franses / but I don't think she quite believed me. / now I must have if only ten minutes / talk with you this Saturday for you to / tell me just how you want me to behave / - it will be very needful for you school / me well & I can learn. / and that was why you loved hands - / well once in my life yet it may be / you shall rest that tired turbulent head / so. What luck for me if it was my / last moment of life that that should / happen to me / I knew of a young man - that is quite / true who loved a girl and had / her name was Clara tattooed over his / heart when they were betrothed. / which was all very well so far / but she jilted him, & he went out / to Australia - & I am curious to know / there, I have lighted a candle - it is no use / at all trying to sleep - of course, its three / o'clock - what can I do with the time / but write to you? I think its / nice to be awake & hug my / friendship to my heart, to day / is Wednesday then, & on the third day from then / she is to come back - but I ought to be / sorry because all this time has been / rest to her. So she isnt going to sleep / at her old home - wonder what its like / but I have settled that roses grow thick / in the garden in summer time - has she / another brother besides that tall one? - how / I wanted to be friends with him - he had / a kind face, a kind charm about him to the / lads, & had the simplicity and directness of / a man whom London might be a little / hateful - London of the social veneer / at least. I liked her to have a brother / who could snap anybody in two who was / rude to her. Crack them to bits he / could - ugh! What nasty bits they would / be. but I want to hear her sing - how / little I know her - I dont know what / music she most loves - but I cheerfully / want to hear her sing - that seems so / fitting for her - & I love singing - / its funny to hear her talk of being / poor - I can't bear her to be bothered by / that, & it does bother. - being rich is / having a little pocket money - I want her / to have everything she wants, what can be / done to bring that about? I never / minded poverty a bit, but then / thats different, anything seemed enough / that wasn't starvation at first - & there / was a summer when I was always hungry / - luckily it wasnt a winter, I didnt / mind much - it has always been hand to / mouth work & is now. all the money / I Had for Briar Rose I put away for / Georgie - dear Graham managed that for / me - I can't manage a bit & get into / dreadful messes - that is where / Georgie has been so good (now dont loose / pounds, I get cold when you do) as the / worst times she has never let me know / & keeps all the ugly rubbish out of / sight - years ago I handed all over to / her,, & I never sign a cheque even - / or see money, except pocket money / she gives me when I go into town & / want to buy things - I cant think how / I live - perhaps my pictures are really / very bad & that is why they sell - / it doesnt much interest me to think, ? / I am going to think about her again - for all / that page was shocking waste - I wonder / if she lives many months in London, or if / there will be long long desolate gaps / when I cannot see her, & shall be here / waiting & waning & dwindling. Now / ? she so poor that she couldn't afford / even a third class ticket unless this / earth be paradise enough? Yes, there / will come heavy desolate weeks and months / I know - how I foresee them & / forefeel them. I am sorry for me - how often / lying on this bed have I wondered / what I should feel like if the end / were near - and as it fell out, sometimes / I felt but would be nice & sometimes I / have been sorry to leave my work / undone - all these days I have lain / long and thought what would it be if / I heard the tinkle of the Scythe, & / the dark one was coming along the / passage - wouldnt it save me many / an intolerable hour - the summer / afternoon hours, hardest to live through / & I always say "yes, it would be rather / nice" life does hurt so keenly, & I / was never equipped for it - yet a week / ago I was living in a kind of fool's / ecstasy, I don't know why, & I thought / summer was at hand or some proof / delicious opening of new happy destiny / - there was nothing to make me think it / nothing had happened - nor has happened / since to take away the ecstasy - if / anything I am better off, my friend trusts / me more & I shall with deep friendship from her at last - perhaps I am / tired & only want six hours sleep - / - since I cant make her happy isnt / it nice to share her unhappiness / & be side by side with her in / sorrow - yes, by God it is - and / I wont fail her - for little / thing she looks as if anything that / hurt could hurt so keenly. / and then all this caring about / her, what good has it done her-? / a little of course - its / nice to be loved, even / to be liked is nice - so she's a little / better off - but what on earth has / been done with all the force - one day of it used ? & / directed as a jet upon her should / have made her fat & red & / ? till ninety - it has / gone to help more on the stars? / - but damn the stars, I wanted / it all for her. / do one thing for me - lark at heaven's gate / Singing is more true / now eyes are tired & must put / out lights & shut them - but not to / sleep - oh if - if - if -